?

Log in

No account? Create an account

devastatingly · beautiful

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
i don't know how many times i've written it, but sky is fucking insane.  i love it when girls are super sweet because there's something they aren't going to say to you.  fuck it sky, i'd say it to you, so why don't you say it to me?  i know what it is anyway, and you're insane, by the way.

i hate myself.  i told steven i'm coming back for summer term, and that i wanted to stay for spring anyway.  that i probably should stay in utah.  he asked why, so i told him the truth.  my therapist doesn't think i should go home.  i hate telling things.  i have the hugest mouth, and it just came out.  i don't want him to know things about me, and i know he doesn't want to know.  i'm so fucking retarded.  and it was a bit awkward.  so i explained it in a message on facebook, you know, that i see colton because of things that happened to me, and i'm not crazy or anything like that.  and he never responded.  i fucking hate myself.

i see colton again tomorrow morning.  i wonder how this is going to help.

i emailed matt today and i told him what was up.  he told me i have divine potential, and to turn to heavenly father and jesus christ for help.  what the fuck, matt.  but he's a missionary, and i guess that's his specialty, right?  he meant well.  he said a lot more than that, and that he's praying and fasting for me.  sure, fast!  starving yourself helps me!!  i don't get that.  fasting is good for you, but i don't see what it does for anyone else.  god's will is god's will, if he's even there.  if the fasting 'works', it's a miracle, and if it doesn't work, it's god's plan anyway.  yeah, ok.

it's midnight, i wake up in 6.5 hours to get ready for 4 classes + colton.  oh wait!  there are only 3 classes tomorrow.  good.  no religion, which i'm failing at anyway.

ballroom with steven, he's my test partner.  which means i have to dress up.  and see steven.  this all sucks, this whole thing sucks.
* * *
saw colton today.  it was...interesting.  he has to tape the sessions to review portions of them with his supervisor...but yeah, anyway, that wasn't a big deal.  there was so much i wanted to say, so much i wanted to get out.  but i only had 55 minutes today. 

this is going to take a long time.  and it's going to make things worse before it makes them better.

i don't know how i feel about it yet.  i'm just now getting used to the idea of talking.  it's hard.  it's just stirring up shit i haven't had to think about in years.  he's making me feel like i'm the good one, and i'm fighting it and i know it.  i'm fucking guilty.  and i've been so fucked up there's no going back.  colton wheedles me into certain ways of thinking that i don't want to think.  it's like he's ripping up scar tissue.

it's just making me lose my will to do anything right now.  i just want to lay on my bed in the dark and think.  think about mundane things, far away times, make-believe bullshit.  think about being happy.  not in houston, not around my family, not at byu.

at least all this reassures me that this shit just wasn't in my head.

odwalla shakes smell disgusting.  but taste delicious.
* * *
so i'd kinda just like to be left alone right now.  be done with everything.  everyone else can just keep to themselves.  i'm not tired, not sleeping, whatever.  just leave it.

why do people i've lived with all year make me nervous?  why am i so fucking stupid?  and fat.  heifer.  i weigh less than them, though, at least.

i can't even write to matt.  i don't know what to write to him.  everything just comes out jumbled and retarded.  i don't send 78% of the stuff i write to him, actually.  i just toss it.  and he's left without any communication from me.

i ate in another girls room today - pasta alfredo.  i vomited it up in the shower afterwards.  i need to chew my food better - bread sucks coming back up.  i stopped when i saw blood, but i knew i hadn't gotten everything yet.  most of it came up, though.

so today i had an apple, an orange, a handful of unsalted raw nuts, an odwalla juice, and a small bowl of special k with soymilk.  plus the stuff i barfed up, carbs.  so i don't know.  i hate purging, but i had to do it.

that's one thing i'm going to keep from colton.

colton is my counselor/therapist/shrink.  we meet monday morning.  i might've already posted that?  i don't know.

i just totally ignored a few girls in my hall.  i wonder if it even phased them.  they sound happy still, so maybe not.  i kinda just wanted to see if one would follow me, ask me what was up.  ha!  they showed me.

i'm in a moulin rouge mood.  one day i'll fly away...
* * *
went to talk to my student development professor today.  let him know what was up and why i'd missed his class all semester, save the first two weeks.  i always get emotional.  no crying.  anyway, i just told him what was up.  there's shit in my past, and in my present.  it's scary.  anyway, he's a shrink.  he and i both realize there are problems.  so he's going to be my counselor until i go home.  twice a week, or more if necessary.  his schedule was actually completely full, so he opened up new time slots to be able to meet with me.  nice guy. colton miller.  we'll see how this goes.

i ran away from his class and psych.  this situations were just too real for me.  and i wasn't ready to face it.  and i told him.  he suggested me not going home this summer - or at least not yet.  i already bought my plane ticket :/  otherwise i would've.  more monetary situations. 

i was given $$10 for taking a survey in the counselor center.  sweet, lol. 

i'll write in my little black book what's been going on, i guess.  i'm scared to go home this summer.  i know that something is going to happen.

i hope colton helps.
* * *
saw this in the pro-ana waiting room.  wanted to give it a go.

1.  i'm latter-day-saint (a convert of 2 years) but i don't really feel it anymore.  i never figured out if i converted for myself, or to please other people i cared about.  even now, i'm unsure about my future with religion.  i want to believe, but sometimes i just cant.
2.  nobody cares or wants to listen to me, and i know it.  i'm the girl with a past and a history, and no one knows or wants to hear about it.  i have no one to talk to.
3.  when i vent, i feel like an asshole, because i'm shoving my problems onto other people.
4.  i've never been accepted - i lost most of my friends in highschool and never really fit in.
5.  i'm really a nice person, i just come off as mean because i'm scared to death of trusting anyone.
6.  i love my mom, but it's hard for me to show her love.  she's an alcoholic, and it's beyond frustrating for me.  i'm broken.  i've just recently realized how much she has affected me.  i'm working on not letting it so much.
7.  i'm dirty; tainted.  in a world of molly mormons, i'm a whore.  i've done a LOT more than i've let on.
8.  i will never be good enough for any of the people i care about.
9.  i don't even feel worthy of calling myself ana.  i'm fucking fat.  i have no self control. 
10.  i wanted people to know when i used to cut.  no one fucking cared.  my parents were too caught up in their own bullshit to notice anything about me.
11.  i've lied.  a lot.  i don't lie anymore, though.  it just brings on way too much shit.  i only lie about my past and things that will never be found out by anyone, which is hardly at all because no one asks or cares to ask.
12. i'm ocd about several things.  most have to do with time ane alarms...i have weird quirks.
13.  i'm scared to death of getting married.  i want to.  but i don't want to end up like my mother...drunk most of the time because my dad is a fucking self-righteous asshole who has control and abuse problems.
14.  i just want to be loved.  i want to be held and told that i'm doing a good job, that i'm worth something to someone.  it's amazing how most people don't think to tell you those things, when it comes so naturally to me to tell people how much i appreciate them.  but i know it's because i've felt the neglect and abuse and hate from my dad, so i know what it's like to be on the other end from all these girls whose parents lifted them up and encouraged them.
15.  i'm on academic probation.  i don't go to a lot of classes.  i'm getting better, though.
16.  i freaked out last semester.  i need to go to counseling, but i don't want to. 
17.  i'll never be able to be in a relationship unless i learn to deal with my past.  my future depends on it.
18.  i still play neopets.  after almost 8 effing years, i still get as much enjoyment out of it as i used to.  :D
19.  i wish my ballroom partner and i were friends outside of the ballroom.  we've known each other since high school, but his group of friends was different than mine.  i really admire and like him, and i wish he admired me too.  maybe he does, i don't know.
20.  i can never tell people what i really think or feel.  i hate confrontation, so i avoid situations with conflict.  and in return, the issue is never solved, i avoid the person, and lose the relationships.

21.  i'm hungry right now, and i love it.
22.  fat is disgusting.  i have no idea what to say to my fat friend when she complains.  i want to just tell her to stop making excuses and to eat less.  i'm too nice.  but she's a fucking liar, and really messed up about a lot of things, so i cut her some slack.  i don't know why she is the way she is, so i don't mind.
23.  i get way jealous sometimes.  one of my close friends i almost hate sometimes. 
24.  i hold things inside.  there are so many things i want to tell my dad - that he's fucking up, that he's one of the reasons (the main) why my family is the way that it is.  i'm scared of him.  fucking scared shitless of him.
25.  i don't want to go home this summer.  something terrible is going to happen. 
26.  i don't love my dad.  i've never been close to him.
27.  i love my brothers.  i miss them.
28.  i love my mom.  i wish it was just her and me, she never drinks at those times.  i wish i didn't get so angry when she does drink.  which is most of the time.  which leads to me wishing i was angry less.
29.  i just told my ballroom partner (he's more than that - he does have a name.  i just won't use it.) in a message that he does a good job, and i really appreciate him.  i wonder if/what he'll say back.  if not, i'll see him wednesday.  whatever.  and when i say whatever, i really do care, but i know that there's nothing i can do.
30.  i can't end things on even numbers.  i hate multiples of 5.
31.  i just ate a banana.

this was actually effing hard.  very hard to get started.  it started getting a little easier.
* * *
* * *
i don't really feel like giving a big update.  my life is a fucking mess, i'm failing courses, gaining weight, my parents are fucking insane (controling manipulative abusive father and alcoholic mother - the situation is getting dangerous).  i flew to texas this weekend.  read kurt vonnegut's sirens of titan.

i want to disappear.  my head hurts, and i want to be thin.  i have no desire to do schoolwork, i just want to dance.

* * *
why did i start my fucking period.  not even a question.  i hate it.  i had no idea i was going to, but this is why i've eaten so much and haven't had as much control over myself.  i hate myself.  i hate fucking bleeding.  i hate human anatomy, i hate functioning as a girl.  why can't i jsut have a penis and fuck everything with 2 legs and a vagina?

i want to starve.  i want to starve.  i want to be thin.  i want to feel those hunger pangs that i love so much.  i miss them.

my mom is killing me out here.  alcoholism is not a fucking disease.  that's just an excuse - and why americans have the lowest rates of recovered alcoholics - because the americans like to take the blame off themselves and call it a fucking disease.  then there's not guilt, which means no success. 

i'm supposed to fly to austin this weekend.  my cousin lauren's wedding reception.  my mom is fucking things up.  i don't know what's going to happen yet.  more updates later.
* * *
so the girl i'm temporary rooming with likes mika, (mika is ok, but not my favorite) and she likes the play a song that one of the main lines is 'big girls, you are beautiful" and all this stuff about fat chicks.  i can't help but be disgusted every time i hear the song, and whenever a line is mentioned, i like to counter it with whatever is opposite...big girls, you are [fat, ugly, you smell, gross] yeah whatever. 

i'm doing the mast cleanse when i come home for summer.  2 weeks.  too much CRAP food was eaten this year by moi.  then i'm going to be as close to raw vegan as i possibly can.  but definitely vegan.  and i will be thin.  i've got this adorable bikini from vs that i haven' really worn that much, ya know?

i want texas, i want the beach, not fucking utah.  take me home, please.

my mom got food poisoning. she said it was either from some tomatoes and crackers someone left on the counter at her work, or from a cheeseburger that she got from a gas station.  wow, which one do YOU think it was?  she just doesn't want to admit that she ate contaminated meat.  she doesn't want to admit it to me, the veggie-tarian.  haha figures.  but we both know that we both know. 
* * *
so my roommate totally has mono.  i'm actually going to live in another girls room for 2-ish weeks...her roommate is in europe so it's cool.  but yeah, erika's got mono, and i CANNOT get sick.  i have to dance.  i have to take my medals, i have to learn the steps, i HAVE to.  i WANT to - it's my passion, and yeah. 

in a sick twisted way, though, i kind of toy with the idea of getting it on purpose.  i would lose weight.  poundage would come off, and i would be thinner.

* * *
i'm back down to the 121-ish area.  i was mid-twenties for a while, and hating myself.  i need to eat until after dancesport is over, i can't pass out on the competition floor.  then..THEN i will reach my goal.  i want to know what it feels like to be "underweight."  110 lbs, here i come. 107 seems so perfect.  i just want to know what it's like.  i'm vegan, so i can just use that as an excuse for losing weight. 
matt e-mailed me.  i think not being able to communicate is hard between us.  i don't love him.  there is so much resounding bitterness.  sad day.  i wouldn't want to subject him to...me...anyway.  "good" little mormon boy on the outside, and i'm probably going to fall away.  i can feel it in my heart.  i wouldn't want to put him through that.  i do so much "for myself" for other people.  i'm too much of a people pleaser.  will i be able to stand being at byu for the next ... god knows how many years?  i guess the first one went by so quickly it won't really be so hard.  get my RD, dance.  that's what's in my mind now.

i need to sleep.  goodnight.  think thin dreams!
* * *
* * *
wow, i effing hate girls.  :)

sky is so freaking petty.  she thinks i hate her because i told her i didn't like potato flakes.  and that calcium isn't what your fingernails are made of, and milk doesn't make you have strong fingernails.  sorry sky, they're made of keratin, and calcium has nothing to do with them.  anyway.

it's kind of fucking hard to be positive when your mom is killing herself and doesn't care enough to live.  kind of fucking hard when all i'm worried about is when i'm going to get the call that she's dead.  i live on the brink of a fucking nervous breakdown - because i know... i KNOW that today is the day that i'm going to get that call.  the call that my mom drunk herself into a coma and her liver failed and she's not going to wake up;  the call that she got herself into a car accident and killed a few other people while she was at it...the call that she finally got so fed up with my dad that she just shot him and herself.

positive?  potato flakes?  calcium?  fuck off, sky.  just leave me the fuck alone.  take your fun little trip to europe next week.  have a blast. 

i jut want to disappear.
* * *
sunday is alwas a new start.  i've got dancesport this coming weekend.  and then it's the downhill til summer.  i've got 3 midterms this week - psych, anatomy, book of mormon, and i'm practicing for my 3 events in dancesport.  waltz, triple swing, and samba.  steven, dan, and allen, respectively.  mostly liquid diet, i want to look good.  i want to look amazing.  and i will.

my mom's drinking has been out of control lately, and i'm not home.  i'm across the country.  she's killing herself.  i have fully accepted that i may not ever see her again...but if she ends up killing herself, it would be pretty hard.  and if she takes someone else down with her - wow.  yeah.  but at the rate she's going, she won't last much longer because of 1)  cirrhosis and 2) car accident  3)  depression so deep - the lies she's tangled in, the pain she knows she causes us and herself.

everything is fucked up.

it's weird how much i can relate to dr. house...haha.  i love him.  he comforts me.  it's hard to talk to the girls here.
i feel:
determined determined
* * *
so i was talking to steven today - we were walking back to one of the athletic buildings after working on our routine after class - and wow.  i forget how we got onto the topic.  oh yeah!  steven said he needed to gain weight before he went on his mission, because the average missionary weight loss for cambodia was 30 lbs.  well, steven doesn't have 30 lbs to lose...and i told him he didn't have ANY to lose.  and then he laughed and said maybe a little around his middle...and i said whatever, just as long as when we dance it didn't stick out and touch me.  i told him there was a guy in our class who was like it, and it really bugged me to dance with him.  steven totally laughed, named the guy and correctly said what he was wearing that day, and said he had no patience for people like that. 

oh my.

could he be my eternal companion?

haha.

i told steven i was fat-o-phobic, and he said he was too.  we got onto the topic of how easy it is to NOT be fat, and how people bitch and moan about being overweight and then they don't do anything about it.  we talked about how to work out, how to eat, what WE eat (i've been eating normally lately) and how delicious it is and how wonderful it is to be thin (or in his case, built but lean).  i've never really hung out with a guy who has so much drive in that department.  i didn't know his view on fat people.  and to see him get worked up about fitness and nutrition and food was...i don't even know how to describe it.

he sings, has and incredible voice.  he dances - very talented at that, too.  sarcastic sense of humor.  intelligent.  driven.  physically fit.  motivated.  majoring in business/minoring in ballroom.  gorgeous.  hilarious.  realistic. 

why don't i like him?  if there's any guy i could fall for, it would be him.  but i haven't.  friends - love him to death.  there's nothing romantic about it, though. 

i wish i was thin enough that long, flowy, ankle length summer dresses looked good on me.  but that's the key... SUMMER dresses.  so they will look good on me this summer, if i lose the weight.  which i will.
* * *
today is fast sunday in church - just like every first sunday of almost every month.  you start your fast saturday night (or sunday morning) and then skip the next 2 consecutive meals, and donate the money you would've spent on food to help local families in need of food every day.  fast offering.  fasting also gives you a chance to connect spiritually with yourself, and helps you sort things out.

it triggers ana in me.

I'm so awful, haha.  i love being hungry, i love feeling like this. 

anyway, i didn't talk to hunter all week.  didn't bother me.  sure, i like him, he's really attractive and i love his sense of humor.  but i'm not hung up at all, i guess, which is good. 

blanca tried to get me to see my ballroom partner in a different light.  sure, i love him to death.  but not in a romantic way, and she was trying to put that idea into my head.  i CANNOT do that.  it's steven - sweet, adorable, talented steven, who's going on his mission in a few months.  i can't change the way i feel about him, because 1) he's not interested  2) it would ruin our dancing  3)  he's LEAVING  4)  it's STEVEN!!! 

i. just. want. to. play.

and dance ;)

i'm excited - steven and i are hopefully doing a little performance/class when we come home from BYU in april/may.  we got to teach over winter break, and we'll hopefully get to again.  but i'd still like to show my parents what i can do.  what they never believed i could do.  plus, steven and i do cool stuff.  : ]  blanca was right - we DO dance really well together, we have a great connection, and i don't dance the same with anyone else in my class.  or just anyone else in general. 

i just ate a banana.  not a safe food, i know...but i'll binge later when i have to go eat dinner, if i don't control it now. 

thinspo time :)
* * *
it's only about 13 lbs lighter than what i am now.  but it would be beautiful :)  my bmi would be 17.7.  that's not that far underweight, only about 4 lbs or so.  you know what would be more fun?  weighing myself in stones.

105 lbs = 7.5 stone
112 lbs = 8 stone

my goal right now is 8 stone.  8 stone, and beautiful.

i've had 8 oz of an odwalla superfood drink, and a banana.  who knows what will happen later.  i'd like to take in between 1000-1300 kcals.

i also want to go practice my samba routine.  i LOVE samba!!

* * *
* * *
i can't depend on others for my happiness.  or sanity.  girls are just fuckers who like screwing with you.  i live with 39 manipulative, righteous, snobbish whores.

i have no one to talk to right now - or maybe i'm just refusing to open up to anyone.  no one has ANY fucking clue, really.  i numb it all by watching house, the office, princess tutu...season after season, hour after hour.  i'm a fucking fatass who exercises no self control on any aspect of her life.  then change that, you say?  haha ok!  good idea!

i hate myself.

i hate where i am in life.  i have everything, and yet i'm unhappy.  guilty.  no self esteem. 

i'm just blue right now, i guess. 

i saw an amazingly skinny woman today - she was beautiful.  and i'm a fat hog.  i'll change that.

i hate buying clothes.

i hate my body.  i'm thin and i know it, everyone knows it.  but i fucking hate it.

i just want to crawl into a hole.

or into my bed.  goodnight.
* * *
don't you jst love it when you figure out your downfalls and weak spots?  mine lately has been the pendulum court - a restaurant on campus.  see, what happens is that i go to be with friends, end up eating a big meal, and not eating the rest of the day, until i get really hungry at night.  eating a big meal and then at night is TERRIBLE for you and i ALWAYS feel like crap.  so, no more pendulum court.  the food isn't even that good, ya know?  i eat vegetarian there, but it's so easy just to yoink a dessert, and i'm a fucking fatass and i hate myself.  i need to lose and lose more.  so no more pendulum court.  i could be studying, instead.

i did really well on a waltz test this morning.  i scribed for my teacher, cameron, while a few others took the test, and he talked to me about me having not done any ballroom dance before i got to byu.  he said he couldn't believe it :]  and how everytime i dance by him, i look like the kids who come in their freshman year having done ballroom in utah for years.  i'm a natural, apparently.  it makes me feel really good :)  cameron is such a sweetheart !!

i'm a little bummed my ballroom partner doesn't want to dance our foxtrot routine up with the gold standard level.  steven, come on!!  but i understand.  it would be the only event on thursday that we would be in (we both dance both friday and saturday...).  yeah.  oh well. 

i need to go for now, but yeah.  no more pendulum court.  i need to go to the creamery to get groceries so i can just have low-cal snacks.  i've got 16.00-ish on my card.

actually, i think i'm just going to go work out now.  maybe get kyra to go with me.  no pencourt tomorrow, minimal snacks.  fucking punishment.  i WILL BE EMPTY. 

work out?  when steven and clint are there?  how about NOT.  well, there IS a different weight room.  i think i might just go there, actually.

how about i just make up my effing mind?
i feel:
bitchy bitchy
* * *
So I went shopping today, and yesterday, try and help motivate myself.  i bought new naval ring, which i LOVE!  and i bought some more sports bras work out in (why can't my breasts just go away?!) and nightie from american eagle that really does make me feel pretty.  while i was there i tried on some jeans...and i fit into the size 2 ones now.  holy crap, i'm an american eagle size two in jeans.  i wasn't like that earlier this year, i always get 4s in their jeans.  progress, but not enough.  i ate well today - banana for breakfast, lunch for lunch, and half wendy's salat and handful of nuts.  that's it all day - not amazing, i know, but i'm just working my way back into this.  i didn't gain any weight really when i ate terribly, but i can always lose more.  my goal is 111, and i know i can do it. 

i ordered track suit/sweat set form victorias secret (each piece was on sale for $11.99.. could i NOT get it?)  and i ordered both pieces in xsmall.  motivation?  plus it's the color 'wild orchid'...i'm bound be noticed.  i can't wait til they come.

my ballroom partner got his mission call today - and i heard it from someone else.  i won't lie, i'm little hurt that he hasn't called me about it.  i know, i know, it's crazy time for him and i bet he's calling EVERYONE...friends and family all over, but yeah.  ouch.

i'm bummed right now.  stuff with hunter is pissing me off, because i'm lying to myself and i know it.  i really do like him, i get giddy when i'm around him now, i don't know. whatever.  i'm such a whore.  awkward.  i'm not good enough for him. 

i'm rebelling against byu in my mind.  i'm going to wear my earrings, wear a fucking bikini, and have God knows what else happen to me.  i'm not some fucking cookie-cutter mom who's going to make treats for the ward party.  fuck that.  i feel like i'm hiding who i really am here.  i love it here, but i also hate it.  i need to find a happy medium. 

i'm such a dolt.  i just asked hunter if he was busy tonight.  i just want to go on a walk, and i don't want to go alone. and we happen to be texting right now.

and he just said that he'll be able to go in about an hour.  wow.  maybe i don't like him - when he said he would, i didn't get super excited or anything.  maybe i just have no hope.  i guess i'm pretty mean to myself.  or i'm just bummed in general.

there was a ballroom dance lab tonight, and it was kind of a bust.  the guys who asked me to dance ended up just stepping on me - i have 2 new bruises (they already showed up..) and a cut.  they trip me.  and i must either be fucking ugly or intimidating, because not many guys asked me to dance. 
to justify that, i danced every dance that played that i knew how except for one, and then 2 that i didn't know how to do.  i was only there for an hour or so.  so maybe.  i still feel like crap.  you know that sinking feeling you have when everything seems like it's spiraling downwards. 

i'm not full, but i'm not hungry.  i'm getting there.  it's also 11 at night.  i shouldn't be hungry anyway.  i can tell my insides are gorged, though...my tummy looks big.  i'm also kinda bloated.  i need to just lay off the food for a while.

i don't like fasting...i know you can't effectively lose weight that way.  but it doesn't matter anyway.  what about this is effective, much less normal?

why do i play with the idea of suicide?  sometimes i am just ambling along, doing whatever, when i see myself in my head just stepping off the sidewalk in front of a bus.  or i try and think of ways do that it won't hurt people around me.  which is impossible, but whatever.  i wouldn't want to make it look accidental, i'd kinda want people not to wonder.  it's just an idea i toy with.  i will never, EVER take my own life.  i couldn't.  but i still think about it.

it's almost amazing to me hat i'm even here.  i don't really know how to explain it, really.  it's just a feeling i get sometimes...like, i never actually could see myself leaving the house and going off to college.  and now i'm here.  and i definitely can't picture myself ever getting married or having kids, or even 'growing up.'  i never thought i'd make it this far.  but i have to keep going.  i feel sometimes like i'm living a lie here, though.  i'm not very faithful.  i do things because i know other people want me to do those things.  but i secretly really want my coffee, piercings, guys, whatever.  i just can't picture myself living the life that's been so sweetly laid out before me.

do i need to even picture anything?  do i need to dream?  well, i do dream.  i have big dreams.  i want to take 8 months off my life to backpack the appalachian trail.  i want to run off with a troupe for a renaissance festival for a few years.  i want to spend time in the mediterranean.  i CAN picture myself living downtown some city, working as a tattoo/piercing artist.  living vegan, being skinny, being beautiful.  being artistic

not baking fucking cookies.

maybe i'm just being a rebel.  maybe this stuff will all pass.

it always does.

but you want to know what? 

it always comes back, too.
i feel:
discontent discontent
i'm listening to:
the old 97s
* * *
haha i'm such a sorry fuck.  i will never get over this, will i?  always wanting, more more more...

worked out today.  wasn't too bad, did the elliptical for 35 minutes, burned 325 kcals.  i need to do lower intensity for longer, ya know?  burn fat.  found out i have a really strong core.  ate a little bean-cheese dip thing for breakfast,  nothing but water until after i worked out, then i went to the cafeteria for my dorm and had veggies, a whole wheat waffle with jelly on it, a little bowl of frozen yoghurt, more veggies, and a bite of brownie.  not awesome, i know, but oh well. 

it was great until i had fucking bananas tempura.  an entire fried banana.  fucking shit.  shoot me now, kill me please, i don't want to be a fat fuck anymore.  i don't even want to weigh myself.  i know i just FEEL fat.  because i am.  i look in the mirror and i'm fucking ugly.

this week is a new leaf.  i'll go to all my classes, no more soda, no more staying up way too late, more homework done, blah blah blah.  i have a new workout buddy.  and i'll take advantage of the free gym like none other. 

no one knows i struggle with my weight.  except for me, and anyone else who reads this.  i just want to disappear.

i'm lonely.  i have so many good friends, and i'm lonely.  i just want someone to love me, really.  i want to be noticed and cared for.

i'm going to fucking lose the weight.  my ultimate goal - 106.  that shouldn't be too hard.  and if it is hard, then good.  i'll be less willing to give it up and gain it back.
i feel:
determined determined
i'm listening to:
shiny toy guns
* * *
So my trip to mexico got canceled for february.  no worries, i've got a passport on the way, so i'll find something to do.  and i still want to lose.  lose more, more more...today so far i've had an orange, and an apple in slices sprinkled with cinnamon, my vegetarian multivitamin, and i'm sipping on a cup of organic chocolate silk soymilk.  273 kcals.  i'll need to eat more, i know, but we'll see what happens.

i was going to go eat a meal at the cannon center, but i can't stand going alone.  and fucking natalie bailed on me at 3 and said 'i'm not going to eat at the cannon center tonight"...and then a few hours later i asked why, and she said "i'm not hungry".  my ass.  so she knew at 3pm that she wasn't going to be hungry the rest of the night?

she's doing it wrong.  she needs to at least not stuff herself with candy and crap food, and then restrict other times.  she's just going to hang onto every ounce of lard that she's gained this year.  why does this piss me off?  she's 2 inches shorter than me, has no muscle, and weighs about 10 lbs more than me. 

i'm not living with her next year.  i haven't told her yet.  i'm living with 3-4 other girls from my floor; kyra, jenna, and elizabeth.  it'll be a much better situation for me, i know.  i'm still a newbie, i guess, in the church, and i feel like i need a strong relationship with a few other people to help me along the way.  natalie is...messing up.  and i don't want to have to deal with her stuff as well as mine.

she makes up all her shit.  it's not real, and she's poisoning herself with what she's eating and putting into her body.  bitch just wants to take a bunch of meds an then tell everyone about it for attention.  i don't need that, i don't need to be around that.  she doesn't do her schoolwork, she never studies.  she eats like shit. 

plus, the rent will be about $70 cheaper if i live with the other girls at the other complex.  i just need a bed and a kitchen.  and people i'm not afraid to be myself around. 

i'm also thinking about chopping my hair all off.  and dying it dark brown/red.  you know...winona ryder style.

oh well.  i need to exercise.
i feel:
okay okay
i'm listening to:
les savy fav
* * *
* * *
so in less than a month, i'm doing a service project in Baja mexico.  about 60 of us college kids are roadtripping it down there to work in 3 different orphanages.  i signed up in the group to work with the kids - and i'm so stoked.  i'm excited beyond belief.  it's going to be amazing. (as long as my passport comes in time...)

so i'm making a promise to myself.  from this moment onwards, i'm focusing on losing weight.  i'm 5'5.25", and i weigh about 119 right now.  which is way too much.  i have a little over 3 weeks to drop as much as i can.  a few weeks ago i was at 115, and i know i can do it.   lots of water, lots of tea, STRICT vegan.  i can do it.  i want to be thin, i want to see my bones.  and i need to stay strong, but more importantly, i need to lose the weight.   and i know i can.  i will record EVERYTHING i put into my mouth.  i will dance my ass off whenever i get the chance.  i will repeatedly try on my swimsuits.  this is going to be a wonderful experience, and i don't want to ruin it by being fat. 

this is totally possible.  NO MORE than 1000 calories/day, and NO animal products.  i will continue to tan, and take good care of myself. 

i just haven't felt truly hungry in a while, and i really miss that feeling.  i know i can do better.
i feel:
determined determined
i'm listening to:
the raveonettes
* * *
i guess it's a plethora of things.  airplane ride on sunday, those suck, could've picked something up there.  brothers both were sick with fevers for a week each, now my dad is sick. (they're all in h-town, i'm back in provo).  people here have bronchitis.  anxiety from my mom and all this shit she tends to toss out at everyone...i feel like i almost had a psychological breakdown yesterday - it was bad.  that can't be helping.  i'm weak, dizzy...vertigo is not fun.  you can't tell up from down and all you want to do is barf to make the sensation stop.  coughing has been hurting like hell since monday.  doesn't help that it's effing 25 degrees outside and rainy/snowy/wet.  gr.  i hate being sick.  me, well, i NEVER get sick.  i feel like it compromised my performance in a ballroom team tryout yesterday - whatever everything together is doing, my entire body was numb all over and i was fighting passing out the entire time.  i've lost 3 lbs this week because i've been trying to nap a lot.  i'm down to 116 - my bmi is 19.2.  i hope it stays off.  but food is not satisfying, i don't feel good when i eat, i don't feel good when i don't eat.  it sucks.  i'm dizzy right now.  oh, and i started my period yesterday morning.  that did NOT help anything. 

one of my pupils (my right) is ALWAYS bigger than my left one.  people have been noticing for about a month and a half now.  finally someone told me (kyra - she's a sweetheart) that it could be indicative of something neurological, like a brain tumor.  i need to go get an MRI.  i really don't think it is, but symptom checker says it's either benign or something crazy scary.  so i'll get it checked.  the student med service (for non emergencies) is far enough away that's i'd want someone to drive me.  someone i trust, and i don't want anyone on my floor to really know.  someone who's got a car.  the only person who comes to mind right now is steven.  but we'll see. 
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
crappy crappy
* * *
it's been a while since i've posted - sorry.  i flew home to utah (byu) sunday.  those gdmfers at delta/continental lost my effing luggage.  i had to wait in line forever and then they told me the luggage had been left in dallas (i went from houston to salt lake with a layover at dfw in dallas).  it was on the flight that was due to arrive at almost 11pm, and they offered to have it delivered.  they said it would be delivered at 3am, but they didn't show up til almost 6:45am.  i go NO sleep that night, and combined with that, both my brothers and dad being sick while i was in houston, riding on an airplane, and god knows what else, i got sick that night.  i had 7 hours worth of classes yesterday, and i don't know how i made it through them.  i hurt so bad all over - like aches so everywhere that i could hardly sit still, i was tired, and headachey, and coughing.  every time i inhaled it felt like a knife was slicing through my bronchial tube area.  i bought nyquil and dayquil.  i took the nyquil at 10pm last night, and i've only gotten out of bed once since then.  that's 18-ish hours i've been immobile.  my roomie has been a doll, staying super quiet and she went and got me a popsicle when i asked her to.  so far, all i've had today is the popsicle and nyquil,  in a sick way, i hope i'm losing weight because of this.  i look like a mess, which sucks.

i missed my classes today, latin ballroom, 'effective studying and learning', and astronomy.  i'm really bummed.  i need to email my professors, but the byu e-mail service is down.   stupid, stupid.  i took nyquil about 15 minutes ago, but i've still got 20 minutes left on my whitestrips.  i hope i don't fall asleep.  whitestrips feel really weird when you take them off - the gel it leaves on your teeth is icky!

i took for granted being sick when i was at home.  my mom was ALWAYS willing to bend over backwards to get me what i needed.  sad.  when i was in the hospital she spent almost every minute in my room with me.  she went home once, just to make sure the house wasn't falling apart and the guys weren't starving.  i miss that now.  i mean, i talked to her a little bit today, but i wish she was here. 


i've got crest whitestrips on my teeth right now, which is cool.  i hope they work really well.  i need to go for now though, hugs!
where i'm at:
my bed in the dorm
i feel:
sick sick
* * *
do not fucking come into my room without knocking.  no fucking way, just leave.  get out.  i'm 19, i've been taking care of myself for years and i DO NOT NEED you to come INTO my space and check up on me.  i want to fucking GET OUT OF HERE.

but where do i want to go?  back to byu, back to the insufferably ignorant rich bitches who think they're God's chosen ones, and therefore better than everyone else alive?  who don't have a care in the world except how much they're getting in that week's allowance from their parents?  i just want to sit in my room.  alone.  not checked up on.  I KNOW THAT THERE'S FOOD IN THE KITCHEN FOR DINNER.  no fucking kidding.  it's not like you were going to make it for me, i would get it myself.  just get out of here and go back to your own house far away.  grandmother coming to my house to take control of our situation.  with my fucking parents, not any of the kids.  but my grandmother that butts in the shit here.  overbearing, loud, controlling, all-knowing, personality that grates on my nerves.

i know why she's doing it, i understand why she's here, but i still don't want her here.  i don't care.

NO ONE has control of me.  i am my own person.

so stay away from my fucking door, don't even think about touching the knob.
where i'm at:
my room in houston
i feel:
irate irate
i'm listening to:
shiny toy guns - waiting
* * *
so steven is picking me up in 5 hours.  i'm supposed to wake up in 3 hours.  should i go to sleep?  yes.  will i?  maybe in a little while.

i tried to eat more normally today.  i managed to break about 1000 cals, but i couldn't stand it.  i tried purging what i'd eaten for dinner, but i don't know how well it worked.  i think my stomach tried to hold onto it.  i cannot force myself to eat that much, it's mind torture.

i'm nervous about going home - i don't want to gain ANY weight back.  just as long as i stick to my vegan ideals, i know i'll be good *hopefully*.  it's not like i'm going to sit down and eat a big steak, a huge salad with oily dressing, and various other items like i used to. i've always had problems with my eating. GAH!!  i want to weigh myself so badly.

i'll be back. 

sweet relief.  117.4 lbs (clothes off).  and at 5'5.25", that makes my BMI...19.4.  a week ago, the same scale told me i was 19.4 lbs with clothes on, and the week before it said 120.2.  i'm not losing to terribly quickly, which i like.  i feel better about steadily decreasing instead of losing 8 lbs/week.  this is more sustainable.  this is reasonable.  so yeah, 117.4 lbs.

and that was after a buttload of low-calorie density food today.  i probably had 4 cups of rice krispies with 4 oz of rice milk each, and i had a huge fresh veggie sandwich with foccacia bread, and then 1/2 C og protein-granola that I'd mixed with about 3 tablespoons of peanut butter.  without food in me, i'd probably weigh about 115.  that would make my bmi...19.0.  i want to be in the 18s so badly...i need to lose more.  i need to lose more.  and weirdly enough, my body doesn't even feel very much thinner than it did.  like, i can still pinch fat all over the place, and my thighs touch when i stand with my feet together.  i could be so much thinner and carry it well an look better. 

i'm looking on amazon.com for a nice scale.  one with good reviews that isn't too expensive.  and i want one that is extremely accurate, please!  haha.  the more accurate, the better.  not weighing myself often is hard - i have to go to the next hall to do it, but i'm glad it's in a private bathroom where i can get nekkid to weigh myself.  it works better that way.

my roomie hasn't noticed a thing.  i'll only weigh myself every once in a while when she's around, so she doesn't get suspicious.  i'll just say, my family has ALWAYS had a scale around, and i used to be in the habit of checkin my weight every couple of days just for fun, but now it's driving me nuts going months without knowing.  so i'll get myself a scale.  and that's totally a true story, anyway.

so i'm gonna go for now.  play with the bmi calculator, and then look at scales some more, then read, then sleep. g'night.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
mellow mellow
i'm listening to:
the decemberists
* * *
* * *
so i hate having a cold.  this is stupid.  my stomach is upset because all the mucous is draining down the back of my throat into my stomach.  i wish i could purge that too, haha.  cal wise for today i'm at about 450.  rice milk, rice krispies, asparagus soup, cantaloupe, roll, ground flaxseed, and my vegetarian multiple vitamin.  but i just feel so gross, like i could vomit up slimy mucous everywhere.  maybe  will, haha.

my roomie left today.  sad!  i won't see her for 2 weeks.  i got her some lavender crabtree & evelyn hand lotion - high class stuff.  she appeared to be really excited, and told me she loves it.  yay!  i got my mom the same thing, but it's crabtree & evelyn's goatmilk lotion.  i think she''l like it, too.  i got hers here because since i'm going shopping WITH her, i can't shop for her.   and i bought my family an entire pound of fudge to go into their stockings.  i love the feeling of control i have right now - there's an entire pound of fudge, amazingly delicious BYU fudge, 5 feet away from me, and i'm not even tempted to taste a tiny corner of it.  well, i'm a little tempted, but it's not a problem at all.  i'm eating spinach for dinner - i need to get rid of my 'perishables' so that they won't rot over the break.  i just used mouthwash, though, so it'll be a while before i eat din-din.

i don't know what to do with myself!  i guess i can alway exercise.  that sounds like a good idea - i'm cold right now - it's 78 degrees F in my dorm right now.  but i've been sitting still, so it makes sense.  i want to write matthew, and maybe draw a little bit later.  and shower.  and then i want to go to sleep at a decent hour, too...

*sigh* i've been fairly productive the last couple of days.  i want to keep it that way.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
sore sore
i'm listening to:
helter skelter.
* * *
the semester is coming to a close.  people are packing up and leaving, and i'm cleaning my room like a mofo.  looks good, burning cals, but yeah.  eating with friends - happens a lot.  purged today, got almost everything up.  i'm scared to keep going until there's bile, so i don't.  just getting the food all up is good enough for me right now.  my throat hurts like a bitch though,  my nails are too long AND i'm getting a cold.  this sucks, i NEVER get sick...but everyone on my floor is getting that way so it's not a huge deal.  i'll get over it quickly. 

i go home in ... 2 days.  a little over 2 days... 2 days + 3 hours.  i'll be home this saturday morning.  i'm kind of excited to go shopping with my mom, i just hope the weight is staying off.  i feel like i've gained in the past few days, which sucks.  i guess i could go check.  maybe i'll check in the morning.  i have to wake up in a few hours to take a biology exam, and then a math exam.  i'm going to bomb both of them.  but that's ok - then i'm done.  i might go to park city with natalie tomorrow, CRAP i'm going out to lunch with her, too.  i'll just get fruit, and maybe soup if they have any kind without meat.  sigh.

natalie is getting a new roommate tomorrow.  i wonder what she'll be like?  we're going to take her to lunch tomorrow, that's what it is.  so i have to go, haha.  then park city?  i'm so freaking tired it's almost funny.  i've been on the run ALL day.  i really should go to sleep. 

natalie got me an amazing chocolate bar for christmas today.  i gave away 12 squares, and kept 6 for myself.  yum yum.  the foods i had at lunch weren't very calorie dense, a little pasta with marinara sauce, red potatoes and green onions, strawberries, cantaloupe, a macaroon, WOW i totally don't remember.  i'm not being very good at monitoring what i stuff my face with.  dinner was ok, but worse - that's why i purged.  in the shower.  i hate it i hate it i hate it.... so much.  but it had to come up.  anyway.

nap time.  night!
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
sleepy sleepy
* * *
this whole semester has been a bust.  i just failed the first final i took by 4 points.  i'm probably not even going to take my chemistry final.  i'm just going to hold on - it won't be so bad once it's over.  i've got 3 finals i'm going to bomb.  well, 4 now, since i just failed one i didn't think i would fail.  i've got a b in the class now.  suck it. 

i just don't want to be here anymore.  i'm so mad at myself, because i thought i could eat normal for a few days, but now.  i can't...there's just no way.  i can't eat 'normally'.  i have to starve. i'm a fucking fatass.  failing at school.
 
next semester will be better.  next semester will be better. 

ballroom, ballroom, ballroom, book of mormon, human anatomy, psychology, effective studying skills, quantitative reasoning.  8 classes, shouldn't be too hard.  more enjoyable, i know that for a fact. 

maybe u should pick up my gpa so i don't get fucking suspended.  this is just unreal to me.  i never fail at ANYTHING.

and yet here i am, failing at what i should be succeeding the most in.  ironic?

no, i'm just stupid.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
disappointed disappointed
* * *
didn't post last night, sorry.   it was an ok day cal-wise, purged though.  after lunch.  not too much though.  i never purge ALL the way til bile comes up, but i still rinse my mouth really well and use mouthwash.  anyway. i invented a cookie recipe last night - vegan banana cinnamon.  made it today with jenna and they were REALLY amazing.  i also at a small baked potato with cheese for lunch, no breakfast - i'm not going to eat anymore today, i think the cookies upped my cal count a bit.  they weren't terrible for you, though. oh, and there was those few bites of a funnel cake.  gross-gah.  didn't need that.

i'm supposed to be studying for my book of mormon final.  sigh.  my roomie is going home this thursday, sad!  she cleaned up her part of the room today, which makes me all teary.  plus, i need to get her a christmas present too.  along with natalie and missy.  AHHH tomorrow will be busy.  at least i'm getting a final out of the way today, though.  maybe i'll take nutrition too.  hmm. 

matt emailed me today, he loved the picture i drew for him, and the other mishies want one now, haha.  too bad, just for matt! 

i have a headache.

i'm going to study.
where i'm at:
thr dorm
i feel:
anxious anxious
i'm listening to:
across the universe soundtrack
* * *
so i went WAY over my cal count today - about 1700.  i'm KICKING myself, but i'm smiling =].  i'm such a dolt, haha. 

today started off frustrating, i mean, i dressed up and looked cute at church, but i only stayed for my first of 3 meetings just because i was angry at the ward - or people in my ward (not like psych ward or anything, we just call the people who attend a  congregation a 'ward').  I left because i'm at an effing religious college, and social bitchy girls think it's ok to sit and talk through the entire sacrament meeting.  people have prepared talks and music for us, and they hypocritically disrespect those people because they think what they have to say is more important.  well, it's not.  i normally have my journal to write in during church, but as i forgot it, i was scribbling on a program trying to listen, learn, and enjoy.  then i said eff it, i'm going home.

so i went back to my dorm 2 hours early and slept until 12:30 or so.  woke up, called jeff to see about the time for the blessing, and we set it up that i would meet with him in my lobby at 3:15 and steven would join us a few minutes later, so we could go up to a quiet private room for the blessing.  it was really neat, i haven't gotten very many blessings like that, maybe... that was the 4th i believe.  and i know that jeff was speaking for Heavenly Father...even though i didn't tell Jeff everything, Heavenly Father knew what to say to me.  He knew what advice to give to me, and it really helped.  I'm really grateful that I can have the priesthood to help guide me at this time - i was really nervous about going home, but i'm not really anymore.  it was really comforting.

Then i had a text monologue with Adam, and we decided he'd pick me up at 4.  What were going to do?  well, my last movie date didn't turn out very well, and cooking is always fun, so i suggested that we bake.  that way we could work together, talk, and eat yummy things.  I hadn't planned on eating so many vegan cookies, but they were really yummy.  and adam is so much fun - we hung out until 11:15 or so tonight.  talked FOREVER (he's so easy to talk to!) watched funny videos online, ate cookies, talked more, and then we went to tunnel singing - which is basically where hundreds of kids go into a certain tunnel on campus on sunday evenings at 10 and sing hymns for an hour.  it's glorious.  had a blast - couldn't feel my toes...it was in the lower 20's.  but it was awesome.

then he drove me back to my dorm - he's such a huggy person, and i love that about him.  i mean, i don't know him very well, but he was always genuine.  like i said, he was one of the missionaries that taught me the new member discussions right after i was baptized over a year and a half ago.  so i guess i've known adam for a a while, but not as anyone but a missionary...Elder Wing.  now he's adam, which is good!  we're gonna go salsa dancing after the break - freaking sweet.  i've wanted to go or so long, but i didn't have anyone to go with.

Haha anyway, enough about that.  It was a good day, though.  a great stress relief right before finals!!  i needed that.  not the fucking cookies, but oh well.  i'll make up for it by being awesome this week.  it'll be easy.  who needs food, right?

i've been doing the vegan thing pretty well.  as long as i keep cooking for myself, i'm good.  if people serve me, i'm screwed.  i can always bring my own dishes to people's homes, i guess.  i'm namely thinking of the coffin's.  the dad is a huge carnivore who thinks i'll get a protein deficiency if i don't have a hunk of flesh at every meal.  sorry.  love him to death, it's just hard to teach old people new things, i guess.  he's a sweetheart and i would hate to do anything that would make him worry or cause him humiliation.   so i'll just bring food =] 

hmm.  the family is another issue too.  i asked jeff if he'd bless me with strength and patience to be with my family, and in a way, he did.  he didn't directly say it, because i'm guessing the Lord knew i would have trouble with it.  so he just gave me help on how to deal with it, not prevent it so much.  yeah. 

*sigh*  i AM excited to go, i guess.  i'm going to work my butt off cleaning my room.  calories!  haha.  yes!!

anyway, goodnight for now.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
giddy giddy
i'm listening to:
the new pornographers
* * *
* * *
had a total of 819 cals today...which includes my green smoothie, the 3 vegan cupcakes, a 12 oz v8 and a tablespoon of ground flaxseed. 

why did i eat 3 of the cupcakes?  well, because i made them, they were vegan, and delicious and hot out of the oven.  i'm glad i didn't use frosting, i just sprinkled a little powdered sugar on top for kicks.  yummy, though.  my green smoothie was amazing as always.  i pride myself on my cooking - i haven't met another student here at school who can top me.  i've got experience, and i know what i'm doing.  i know what to buy, i know which recipes to use, and i know ho to create my own stuff.  yeah, so everyone else can shove it.

i drank a TON of water today, and i've had to pee so much it's funny.  and it was really just 2 liters, not a huge deal. 

i effing sat at my computer all day, and now i won't be able to sleep.  i might get up and dance around and then do jumping jacks and calisthenic and stretch.

i collected a bunch of vegan recipes today - yum =] .  i love it.  i love compassion towards animals.  it just feels so right.

i'm getting a blessing from my friend jeff tomorrow.  and steven is standing in.  i recognize that i'll need help at/with home, so i'm hoping the power and authority of the priesthood will help me.  jeff's a doll, and a really good person.  and steven, yeah, it's the steven who's my ballroom partner.  love him to death too.  i picked jeff because he knows a lot about me and my home life, whereas i'd have to explain everything to my bishop if i wanted a blessing from him.  no one really knows about my crap here;  i want to keep it that way.  jeff doesn't even really know much since i've been up here, but i don't mind telling him.  steven doesn't really know.  much of anything.  anyway.  i'm just rambling.

i have to wake up for church in 6 hours, but i probably won't go to sleep soon.  i'm supposed to hang out with adam tomorrow too, and we've been trying to get around to it all semester, haha.  he's a cool guy.  calling him adam is weird, though, because he was always 'Elder Wing'.  he was one of the elders who taught me around the time i was baptized... a year and a half ago, i guess.  yeah, april of '06.  adam transferred to my ward right after i was baptized.  so i guess i DID get the new member discussions, huh. 

i've also got to go to 'ward wrap up' at 9.  my teachers are coming from anywhere between 7 and 9.  GAH.  i guess the plus side is that there won't be a time for eating, huh.  i don't know what adam's planning, but i have to work that around the blessing, because jeff wants to do the blessig tomorrow.  wow, i'm just typing out what i'm thinking.  as i'm thinking it.  haha.  my roommate came in, and i think i might get ready for bed.

oh, and i love the song 'because' by the Beatles.  it's such pleasure for my ears...*sigh*  goodnight.
where i'm at:
i'm always in my dorm.
i feel:
okay okay
i'm listening to:
because - the beatles
* * *
i'm so stupid.  why do i hang out with natalie.  she drags me down like none other, and i continually crawl back to her.  fucking bitch.  all the effing time.  i can't handle it when people drop plans and ditch and don't tell me until i'm already ready to go.  fuck that.  fuck her.  i hate people.  i can't depend on anyone but myself.  i'd go to salt lake by myself tonight if my mace hadn't been confiscated at the airport - i don't like being a girl and traveling at night by myself on public transportation, even in utah.  it just makes me feel so worthless and hollow inside.  natalie is just so fucking shallow and flaky.

cal count is up to 704 for today. i plan to keep it that way.  i want the hunger pains, i want them so bad.  i need them.  comfort.  interrupt my sleep they hurt so bad.

i want to run off.  i always want to run off.  i want to travel the country in renaissance festivals playing my character - being who i want to be.  i'd have a penniless existence and no one would know where i was.  i'd be free.

byu has way too much pressure to be married in the atmosphere.  it reallllly makes me not want to go to church in the next couple of years.  stupid zoobs - leave me be.  i am my own person who makes my own decisions. 

i want to find a backpacking buddy and hike the appalachian trail.  just wanted to get that out - i've always wanted to do that.  but now you know.
 
i want to get so thin i disappear - i never can lose enough weight.  it's weird - i've lost 12 lbs on my 5'5" frame, and i can't hardly tell any difference.  people say it, but i just can't see it.  it's not enough.  i went from about 131 down to 119 (i was 119 the other day, i don't know about right now...).

i don't want to go home, i don' want to see the people who drag me down.

i'm shy, i'm sensitive.  no one can see that.  i hide it, and i shouldn't.  why should i hide who i am?

i guess that's an easy one.  maybe because of the whole ana/mia thing.  i guess i'm more ed-nos, because i'm not 15% underneath a healthy weight and refuse to go higher.  hell, if i was, i would be ana.  i'm getting there, though.  i'm slowly losing the weight and maintaining the loss.  i won't weigh myself until monday morning, though, because i ate a ton yesterday and i want it to LEAVE MY BODY.  i should probably go make my peppermint tea in just a few minutes, too.  it helps with digestion - and i don't think a placebo would help my digestion system along, i really can tell the difference when i drink traditional medicinals organic peppermint tea. 

sorry the beginning of my message was so harsh, i've calmed down a bit.  a evening at home will be nice, and i don't have to worry about eating to please anyone.  living with natalie and missy will be awesome next year.  i won't mind it a bit, i don't think.  especially if i am the one who gets to man the kitchen.  i'm the cooker.  they said that'd be great with them.

i will keep our apartment sparkling clean and shiny, and decorated awesomely.  i wonder who else is going to end up living with us?  jenna, marie, or someone random?  haha. 

seeing jim sturgess in across the universe makes me want someone who will love me.  i want someone to love me.  and having it be jim sturgess would just make everything in th world alright =]

I made vegan cupcakes again today with my RA.  She's a messy cook, and I'm really clean haha.  but they turned out WONDERFUL.  I didn't frost them, i just sprinkled a little powdered sugar on top of them to make them pretty.  ...and then i ate 3 of them, but they only hav about 150 cals each, and all i'd had today was spinach, strawberries, bananas and rice milk in a green smoothie.  so that's why i'm about just a little over 700 cals today.  it was a very tasty day.

looking up vegan recipes.  *sigh*  i love baking.  i love cooking.  preparing food.  i'm going to make some man very happy someday, i think.  i LOVE being in the kitchen :)  (and i think most kitchen jokes are funny, as long as the guy isn't totally serious...)

anyway, enough for now.  i feel better.  have a great night =]
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
artistic artistic
i'm listening to:
across the universe soundtrack
* * *
ok, so apparently my recommended cal count for what i'm supposed to be getting at my activity level, age, and being a girl is around 2400.  heck no, that never happens....except for today.  jesus christ.

no more birthdays!  this friday and last friday were awful.  i actually made vegan cupcakes for one of my friends today.  note to everyone else, just because it's vegan doesn't mean it's healthy.  they were excellent, though.  why did i have to fucking eat two?  that would've kept my count at least below 2000.  fat fuck.  it's ok, though...this week is going to be hell.  no time to eat.  going out with a friend tomorrow maybe, then finals, finals, and more finals.

i decided to take an effective studying class next semester.  that means i have an evening class EVERY day next semester except for fridays.  that's ok, i need the effing discipline.  i guess i need an off day every once in a while, though, and i plan on picking up tomorrow morning right where i left off yesterday.  i can forgive myself for today, and forget about it.

i saw across the universe again today, it was playing at our provo dollar theatre.  freaking amazing, i'm buying that movie.  it's released febuary 5th.  darn.

calisthenics - i feel sick, i wonder if there's any food left in my stomach.  probably not, it's been hours since i ate the 2 cupcakes.  i didn't eat very much today really, quantity-wise, but everything was so effing calorie-dense.  stupid.  stupid.  stupid birthdays. 

tomorrow it's water, water, peppermint tea, green smoothie, and yeah.  that's IT.  oh, maybe a bit more water.  i know i'm strong and i don't depend on anyone else - i can do this.

i need to shower, braid my hair, and get to sleep.  g'night.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
fat
i'm listening to:
across the universe soundtrack
* * *
today was alright, i feel like i'm fooling people.  missy wanted to stop at taco bell, so we did, and i ate taco bell.  7-layer burrito which has 530 cals about.  then we stopped at baskin robbins.....eeek.  but that was all i ate today, i made sure of it.  about 1100 cals in total - fat fuck, i know, but i hope i have allayed her suspiciona somewhat.  and i didn't purge - which i'm really glad about.  tomorrow we're eating at the sky room on campus, and i plan to do it totally vegan, hopefully.  i'm trying to make the switch.  i also want to bake missy vegan cupcakes.  sure, she loves milk, and she'll drink it with them, but oh well.

i just painted my nails wicked patterns with 2 colors of pink...hot and baby.  it's so much fun and they're so cute!  i love doing nails.  but i can't really do anything until they dry totally because there are so many layers and i was impatient =] i want them to stay pretty!

i'm not a binge eater - i usually have some sort of control.  i have less control when i'm actually around people, which is weird.  i hate eating in front of people, but i do it so they don't get suspicious. 

i need to pee kinda bad.  i also have to figure out what i need to make cupcakes tomorrow, if i do make them.  i'll probably make them in brenden's kitchen, so i'll see what he has before i go to the store.  maybe. 

i also have to meet with dr. jellen tomorrow at 1.  GAH.  this is all coming together so quickly.  i just told natalie, and we'll see if i actually end up going to lunch with them now.  awesome.

tomorrow is going to be really busy.  i'd better go to sleep soon, i guess.  i know that's lame.  oh well.  'night for now.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
anxious anxious
i'm listening to:
across the universe soundtrack
* * *
i dont really know whether to be happy or not, i guess i should be, but i'm finally below 120.  119.1, to be exact.  and that was after eating normally today.  well, semi-normal.  i ate a 400-ish cal sandwich (drat the olive oil in the pesto) and a 230 cal subway for lunch.  then i totally binged and ate garlic breadsticks, at least 700 cals worth, but i'm sorry to admit that i purged after that.  i couldn't get everything up though, because the pressure on my face and neck and eyes was getting to be too much.  but yeah, after not going to the bathroom and eating, that's how much i weigh.  i know i can do better tomorrow!  and i will.  the scale will continue to go down.  i did calisthenics for about 20 minutes, too.  went tanning, walked all over the place.  it was a pretty good day.  i showered earlier, braided my hair so it will be wavy tomorrow, and i'm goin to wake up at 6:30 to get dressed and ready to leave by 7 to eat breakfast (maybe i shouldn't - i'd rather make a green smoothie, i've just got to tell ashley so she doesn't come by) and then off to chem class for me.  tomorrow will be a good day.  busy, but good.

today was matt's 20th birthday.  which means it's only a little over a year until i see him again!  i love missionaries.  he' such a great example.  and i will look fabulous for him when he comes home.

i had a nail painting party with samantha an jenna in the bathroom just a little while ago.  i love those girls!  i really hope jenna rooms with me next year...she's such a doll.  gorgeous girl.

what else?  i love all of you who read this.  and all of those who don't read it, too :)  i'm a lot happier right now than i was earlier.  i ended up walking to the other side of my campus (it's huge - the campus alone has its own zip code) to see the "Idol" competition my university puts on.  i went to support my RA's friend whom i didn't even know.  ashley was glad i showed up :]  she's the one i ate the breadsticks with, and then yeah.  is bread hard to purge or something?  it was just hard.  anyway.

it's after 2, i wake up in 4 hours, i should really get to sleep.  thinspo time.  goodnight lovelies!
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
content content
* * *
* * *
i've had 840 cals today, but i'm seriously craving right now.  i know i can resist it, though...i really don't want to eat.  i want some serious thinspo though.  i've got a goal weight...111.  sounds like a fun number. 

who am i kidding, this isn't fucking 'fun'.  i just want to see the numbers shrink, and i'm so effing obsessed.  i can tell i'm skinnier.  i love it, and i hate it, and i want it more and more and more and more.  and it's hard to immerse myself with schoolwork, because it's hard to concentrate.  i can't fucking think when i know my mom is at home by herself, shit-face with no one to take care of her.  that was my job at home...look after things while she's drunk.  i can't do that now.  i'm failing at life, and i'm just failing.  i wish this semester would just be over so i didn't have to worry anymore.

i'm going to e-mail my chem professor and let him know that it isn't important enough for me right now to finish his class an scrape a B or a C.  i'll just fail it and take the one i need again - and actually learn the stuff.  ridiculous.

i need quiet.  peace.  and not 40 girls around me.  yelling and being loud.  it's AHHH and they all eat like fat fucking pigs.  shoot me.  get me out of here.  i hate the dorm life.  i hate school, i hate finals, i hate this whole scene.  i wonder what i would be doing if i couldn't dance - i'd probably be at home this christmas and decide to stay home.  i don't know, really.  i want the next week and a half to just be over. 

fat fucking pigs who come to say 'hey' and stare at my computer screen to see what i'm doing.  why don't you lose some weight and stop looking so much like a hog.  and you too, loving her because she has food.  chocolate all over your mouth.  go on a diet.  you need it.

i'm not normally this angry.  i'm going to go take a shower to clear my head.  maybe more later.

goddammit..it's visiting hours.  i can't shower.  there are BOYS on the floor.  what am i going to do.  how about i just leave. leave and walk around.  do nothing.  except walk.  and walk..and walk.
where i'm at:
the dorm...not for long
i feel:
pissed off pissed off
* * *
about 681 cals total today, most of it liquid.  i had a few ruffles chips that a friend offered me in my nutrition class, and i ate them because she's commented on how much weight i've lost.  didn't want her to suspect anything, and she knows i used to have an ed.  then i had a sweet potato for din-din...it was HUGE, and i was soooo full by the end of it.  i don't know if i'm losing or not, i might go weigh myself sometime.  i usually feel better when i go for a long time without weighing...but it's so hard.  i was 120.2 the last time i weighed - and i had to go to the bathroom and i'd just eaten dinner, too.  the past few days were bad, so i probably won't weigh.  i blame it on my stupid period - i wish it would just go away for a long time.  i also blame it on the fact that i can't control myself and i'm a fat fuck.  but I WILL GET BETTER.

skipped the devotional, took a waltz test, and learned about world hunger at my classes today.  i'm slowly making the change to strict vegetarian for health, compassion, and environmental reasons.  i can't wait until i'm in an apartment next year - the place i want to live has a gym inside, and it's really nice for the money.  i'll love the fitness room, i know.  as if i don't dance enough already.  hopefully rooming with jenna, a girl on my floor, along with natalie and missy.  eating the way i want to will be so much easier off campus.  the dorms are ... tedious.  i have to be so careful.

natalie's been flaky lately.  it's petty and stupid, i know.  i try to distance myself from people who have internal problems, and i don't know why.  i guess it just drags me down and i don't know what to say.  it's sad, because i probably could help.  or maybe 'd be an instigator, which would be bad.  i've got enough of my own problems that i make for myself without having to deal with other people's stuff.  i should be more supporting, though.  but she NEVER calls me when they're doing stuff, and i have to call on my own.  so i stopped calling just to see what would happen.  and alas.  well, i just don't see them nearly as much.

I need to do another religion paper.  the last one for this semester.  I also need to check out biology, and go to sleep.  goodnight!
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
indifferent indifferent
i'm listening to:
the arcade fire
* * *
so, yeah. 2nd post today.  why have i been purging??!  i did it today, yesterday, friday, omigosh.  this is not good...i just will eat too much and too much of the wrong things.  and this way, i have no idea what my cal count is.  i read somewhere that purging causes your jaw area to be swollen, so now i'm paranoid.  I WILL NOT PURGE ANYMORE.  it's too quick of a fix, and i know it's absolutely terrible. 

so i purged, and i think i stopped up the sink.  i hope they don't start suspecting.  i guess i could barf in the toilet, huh?  haha a little less gross.  whatever, it's just food.  anyway, i ate annie's mac 'n cheese just now too.  i feel pretty good.  i have no idea what my cal count is though, and that makes me anxious.  like, i have no way of knowing how many cals i absorbed, or barfed up, or whatever from the purging.  i'm guessing less than 800, though.  wow, 800 and i purged.  i could've at least stayed below the 500 or something.

oh well, tomorrow is a new day.  crap - and i have a waltz test.  fun for me, i guess.  wish me luck!
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
apathetic apathetic
* * *
i'm behind in so many fucking classes - 3.  3 whole classes and i think i'm going to fail and get kicked out of byu and live in a box.  unable to buy food.  at least i'd be skinny, right?  haha that's sick and i know it.  anyway.  one of the classes i WON'T fail, it's just KILLING my gpa.  that's college algebra.  then, biology, my teacher is working with me.  chem 105 is mopping the floor with my ass, but i talked to my professor today.  if i can't scrape a pass, i'm going to take chem 101 at home this summer.  bio 120 is also killing me, but my professor is working with me.  wonderful.  he's a convert to the church too, and i was much easier to talk to him.  i'm so effed up.  and i know it.  i ignored all my problems with class, and i'm paying for it. 

all i've had to eat today is a greek veggie salad and a slice of foccacia bread, as well as a gulp of odwalla strawberry banana smoothie to take my vegetarian vitamins.  i feel sick - because of school issues.  i'm going to have to shove my nose to the grinder (or something like that) and i'll probably get scraped the hell up.  but i'm going to do this and pass. 

next semester is going to be so much better.  psych, anatomy, 'quantitative reasoning', book of mormon.  and then my three dance classes.

one huge thing i noticed about the difference of the way that my chem professor and my bio professor talked to me was: my bio professor reassured me that in the grand scheme of the eternal plan, my first semester of my freshman year in college wasn't going to affect anything.  i'm going to get through this, alive and beautiful.  and he wants to help me, i know.  wonderful man.  my chem professor - very intelligent man, but also intimidating for me.  doesn't help that my hormones are running wild (gross, not like that!) and i was super emotional and could hardly speak almost the entire time.  i was really nervous.  but i just had the most wonderful conversation with my bio professor about the church and growing up outside of it, what happened, and he was so understanding.  he knows.

i should probably do homework.  sigh. 
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
determined determined
* * *
that's what i am.  i can't seem to control myself.  i'm so upset, and i feel like i used to when i used to SI.  i can't believe i'm letting rice krispies, cookies, granola, and candy canes in the way of my goals.  this is ridiculous.  but you know what?  each time i do this, it makes me yearn for a new day.  a new, fresh start.  i'm in over my head right now.  and i know it.  i'm failing, i'll be put on academic probation, i'll have to read entire textbooks over the christmas break - i'll have to petition for withdrawal... and i can't fucking give any excuses - even though they're legitimate, i CANNOT be forced to go to counseling for my ED.  i will not...because i'm not doing it hardcore enough to hurt myself, and they won't change my mindset.

i HAVE to keep going on my own.

if i wasn't in so many fucking classes, i could handle this.  but this freshman academy was just too much or me at one time.  that along with shit at home that i'm dealing with from afar, my own personal issues, and flaky friends who make me feel like shit - i HAVE to rely on myself and only myself.  I CAN DO BETTER.  i want so starve.  i feel so full and nasty right now, and i already purged up my dinner.  only to eat more later, how stupid is that????  shoot me now.

i love going to school - next semester will be better if i can pull myself up right now.  i can, and i will.  i'm not stupid.

i need to do a short religion paper and go to sleep now, though.  good night.  wish me luck.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
dirty dirty
* * *
* * *
i let myself pig out.  i feel very bloated and icky right now- but that always happens when i get my period.  i want it to just go away - to just stop.  why does my body think i want to get impregnated anyway?  can't i just tell it no?  no.  i have to tell food NO.  cereal, subway, granola, part of a burger, some fries, part of a cookie, a v8, mac n cheese.  for god's sake, i'm trying to be vegan anyway - for moral and health reasons.  jesus christ, i mess up too much.  i'm blaming the appetite on hormones.  and i WILL do better tomorrow.  an odwalla shake is all i'm having until i have a salad for dinner.  i know i can do it, i've done it plenty of times.  and it's time to lose those next few pounds before i go home for christmas.  i think i'm going to go to sleep now, though.  goodnight, lovelies.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
disappointed disappointed
i'm listening to:
silence
* * *
hey guys.  so, yeah, i hope to have a productive day, just like my 'subject' line says.  i almost feel like making a schedule for myself.  i woke up a lot earlier than i thought i would, and ended up heading down to the ballroom for a quick practice to work on some technique with the triple swing.  not my favorite dance, but it's still fun when the guy knows what he's doing.  for the rest of today - i need to eat a bite to get my metabolism going, probably rice krispies with my plain soymilk and my vegetarian multiple.  i've had a big appetite these past few days, and yeah, now i know why.  it's cool though - when i'm on my period i usually feel pretty nasty and don't eat much anyway.   which is good!  i'm waiting for it to go away, actually.  i'm down to 119 lbs i believe, but i'll go check in a few minutes.  actually, no, right now.  please wish me luck.

well, awesome.  there was a girl taking a shower in the room that had the scale.  i shall have to wait until later i guess.  i need to do laundry, go to my tanning salon, clean up my freaking room, buy a few groceries, mail matt his picture, and probably more stuff, but i'll figure the rest out later. 

yesterday i went out to a nice restaurant on campus to eat lunch with my friends because it was one them their's brithday - yeah, ate fried halibut, sweet potato fries, and fruit, a bite of a potsticker and a few bites of ice cream and delicious death by chocolate cake.  yeah - when i got home, i went to take a shower, and purged it up til i got out what i ate first.  wow.  i REALLY need to not do that, i know, i just had to get it out of me,  it was making me feel so sick.  physically and emotionally, i guess.  then later i ate candy and pizza.  wow, good job, retard.  anyway.  it was less than 1000 cals for the day, when it would've been WAY more.

i talked to matt's brother last night for half an hour - he helped me out with stuff i need to do for school.  i really don't want to be on academic probation, and he's helping me learn to use the resources on campus.   i'm feeling a lot better.  i emailed two of my professors, and i'm meeting with both of them next week - calling my academic adviser, and petitioning to withdraw from another class.  man, i fucked up this semester, didn't i?  i found something out about myself.  when i have a lot of pressure, and a lot to do - i don't do ANYTHING.  it was just too overwhelming for me, and i didn't feel like handling it all.  ya know?  plus, i didn't like the subject matter or anything like that.  but i'll get through this, and hope my parents don't find out.  not like they went to college or anything.  they've screwed me up anyway, i could easily blame them.  but i won't.

anyway, it's snowing.  and the snow is only going to get deeper, so i might as well walk to my tanning salon now, right?  haha later for now, lovelies.
where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
awake awake
* * *
hey guys.  whether you're wondering or not, i'm the same person as clavicules.  i just felt so inspired by a certain terminology that i decided to get another username.  i'll probably kep around clavicules for the memories, but yeah.  this is devastatingly beautiful.

today will be a good day - i'll make sure of that.  conviction!

i love you all.

where i'm at:
the dorm
i feel:
determined determined
* * *